A Creative Mama’s Story

When it comes to your life, your family, and your art, what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable?

Many things in our lives are non-negotiable. They are the bottom line things such as a roof over our heads, sunlight, bread, water, our children, sleep, and food.

But, there are also many things in our lives that have become non-negotiable because we are used to them, we don’t question them, and we don’t evaluate and define our priorities. In the realm of motherhood these are usually things we think we have to do to be a “good” mom: carpools, making our own baby food, having a kitchen floor that you could eat off of, etc. The non-negotiable will be different for each of us. But, there are things basic to our survival that will be on all of our lists. Abraham Maslow developed the Hierarchy of Needs in the form of a pyramid placing survival and physiological needs at the base and esteem and actualization at the top.

You can view the source of this information and see a picture of the pyramid on Wikipedia.

I agree with Maslow’s theory. I don’t pretend to understand the intricacies of it or the research behind it, but it makes sense. And most sensible people will make the assumption that artistic expression and creative fulfillment should be placed at the top of the pyramid in the realms of esteem or actualization.

However, for the sake of art, I am going to make the outrageous argument that we give ourselves permission to move our creativity as close to the base of the pyramid as possible.

When I am not creating, I feel it in my body. The same way you can physically feel the loss of love during a painful break up. For an artist the need to create and share her art is a physiological need. She must create and express herself in order to feel fully alive. When I am not creating, expressing, or challenging my skills and craft as a writer, actress, or director, I feel physically numb. I call this living in the “Drone Zone”. Now, I can get used to this numbness and live in the “Drone Zone”. At some low points in my life, I’ve done that successfully for several years, but that isn’t living. It is barely surviving.

Consider Joan’s monologue in Act VI of George Bernard Shaw’s Saint Joan. She is speaking to her judges who have given her the choice between signing a confession and living in their dungeons for the rest of her life or being burned at the stake. She says:

Light your fire …
You think that life is nothing but not being stone dead. It is not the bread and water I fear: I can live on bread: when have I asked for more? It is no hardship to drink water if the water be clean. Bread has no sorrow for me, and water no affliction. But to shut me from the light of the sky and the sight of the fields and flowers; to chain my feet so that I can never again ride with the soldiers nor climb the hills; to make me breathe foul damp darkness, and keep from me everything that brings me back to the love of God when your wickedness and foolishness tempt me to hate Him: all this is worse than the furnace in the Bible that was heated seven times. I could do without my warhorse; I could drag about in a skirt, I could let the banners and the trumpets and the knights and soldiers pass me and leave me behind as they leave the other women, if only I could still hear the wind in the trees, the larks in the sunshine, the young lambs crying through the healthy frost, and the blessed, blessed church bells that send my angel voices floating to me on the wind. But without these things I cannot live; and by your wanting to take them away from me, or from any human creature, I know that your counsel is of the devil and that mine is of God.

I love that monologue. It gives me goose bumps.

So, let’s say, our artistic inspiration and creative expression are to us what the “wind in the trees” and the “blessed, blessed church bells” are to Joan. Without them, we are not alive. So often I hear people say they are afraid to take a dance class or claim space in the house to set up their easel and paints because they don’t want to short change their children or take time away from their families. Of course we don’t want to short change our children. But let’s consider this, how fun is it to live with a mommy who is in the “Drone Zone”?

When a Creative Mama is not creating for the sake of being a “good” mom, she is not expressing her gifts or sharing our best self with those she loves. Consider the legacy of raising a daughter who has a kitchen floor clean enough to eat off of or raising a daughter who gives herself permission to express herself with color, music, or poetry. We teach by example. Our children soak us up like sponges every day. Living in the “Drone Zone” is a poor example to give them. It is short changing our children.

Here is what I am suggesting. Build your own pyramid and put your creativity as close to the bottom as possible. While you’re at it teach your daughters to build their own pyramids. You will have to make choices, re-evaluate your priorities, and probably negotiate for some help, but it is worth it. Make your art non-negotiable.

Wow. I just read through that last post. It has been a long time since I checked in here. Part of the reason I don’t check in more often is because I feel like I have to write a lengthy informative - somewhat insightful - post each and every time I drop by.

But, hello, Kirsten! Wake up! Aren’t you theo one who gets to make the rules about your blog?

 Yes. I am.

Well…

I’m talking ot myself again. In spite of popular opinion, that’s actually a good sign because it means I might actually listen. And, if I listen, I might be able to make a little shift that will allow me to simply check in and say, “Hi.”

I am posting some pictures of the last show I directed. These are pictures of Columbia Entertainment Company’s production of Strange Snow by Stephen Metcalfe which performed earlier this month. I loved working on this show. Here are my director’s notes from the program which will explain a little bit about why I loved it:

I am very pleased that the Columbia Entertainment Company has chosen Stephen Metcalfe’s “Strange Snow” as their inaugural production for Stage II. The play’s focus on the personal traumas endured by veterans and their families after wartime is particularly apt today. As a society we are just learning about the psychological scars our veterans carry home and how these emotional wounds affect not only the soldiers who bear them, but also their families and loved ones.

As the daughter of a Vietnam War veteran, I am honored to bring this real and human drama to the CEC stage. In spite of the fact that most of my father’s wartime actions live unspoken in his memory, the ghosts of those memories continue to haunt him. I hope that someday he can find the peace that has eluded him since his return home more than 35 years ago.

“Strange Snow” is ultimately about the hope that we can learn from our history how to heal our present time; that we can come to better understand how to help our soldiers and their loved ones heal from the violence of war; that we can find a way to make peace with the sacrifices made, voluntarily or involuntarily, for our country; and that we can honor the grief of losing friends and family members who were not lucky enough to return home.

“Strange Snow” tells the story of two Vietnam War veterans who are struggling through their present to make peace their past. Megs wears his scars on the outside, while David conceals his scars on the inside. Martha is David’s sister whose own dreams have become secondary to David’s silent suffering. While David uses alcohol to self-medicate and to keep him numb to the violence of the war, Martha stays by his side maintaining the home where their childhood dreams and disappointments stare at them from the photographs on the walls. David and Martha have negotiated a silent coexistence, which is shattered when David’s violent past comes back all too alive the day Megs shows up at their door.

Here are some pictures: (Eventually I will figure out how to do this.)

This is a good question for me to ask every once in awhile. Because, frankly, I tend to get lost in running and doing. Since February I have been rehearsing a play called Stepping Out by Richard Harris. It’s a fun play about a bunch of women and one man taking a tap class. I play the dance teacher, Mavis. There are several reasons why I have struggled with this role: 1) I have to tap dance and teach other people to tap dance and I have maybe taken 10 to 12 tap classes in my lifetime; 2) I have to dance a solo. There is a scene where Mavis is alone in the dance studio and she gets carried away by a piece of music and starts dancing. She is a retired professional dancer and while she is dancing she takes a little trip down memory lane. The scene is also supposed to show how good she really is. Something that most of her students don’t think about. It has been over 15 years since I have danced. I used to be good at it. Not wonderful, but better than average. Now…I’m 41 and I have let myself get out of shape. Which brings me to 3) I am about 25 to 30 pounds over my ideal body weight right now. I am somewhat self conscious about it. Well, this character, Mavis, can’t be self conscious about her body so I am wearing costumes that show off my curves and while on stage I have to appear confident and comfortable.

Those are my hang ups. On top of that there were several scenes that had to be altered to match the choreography. As Mavis, I teach the dances to the group and our choreography does not match what is in the script. So - lot’s of last minute script changes and many challenges memorizing the lines. I know this is a lot of complaining, but the upshot is that I haven’t enjoyed this as much as I wanted to enjoy it. I thought it would be a fun old time with lots of gals laughing and dancing. Maybe that was a mind-shift that I simply never allowed myself to have. I mostly just felt pressured by the performance and I went into “save-my-butt” survival mode.

All this being said - the show has turned out well. Audiences are larger than expected for a non-musical show and the audiences are laughing. So congrats to all of us involved for that. However, I have learned that I don’t enjoy acting as much as I used to. I used to live for it! I have been missing daily life. When I am in a community theater show, I work all day from 8:00 - 5:00, grab something to eat on the way to the theater, rehearse until 9:30 or 10:00, then go home and crash. I really don’t enjoy that schedule. I feel like I am missing out on so much like helping my daughter with her homework, watching a movie, a social life - you name it. I can’t do that anymore at this stage in my life. At least not for a role like this. Yes, it’s technically considered the lead, but I haven’t found a lot to sink my teeth into. With The Guys - that was an acting challenge, an interesting character, interesting situation - delving into humanity and all that - I enjoyed that more. I need to take all this into consideration before I audition again. I don’t want to give up my “regular” life (my time with Emma) to act in a show and play a character I don’t absolutely love.

The upshot? I need to take more control over how and when I express my creative self. With writing, I choose the time. With directing, I have more control. I think those are the better avenues for me in my life right now. I enjoyed directing The Laramie Project. First of all the script of The Laramie Project meant much more to me than this script does so the other lesson learned is - Do only what I absolutely love and feel called to do.

That’s the “Where am I” part.

So, where am I going? Back to writing. First on the agenda - clean the house so I can declutter my head and reclaim my writing space. I’m going to move that big armchair out of my room - all I do is pile clothes in it and move my desk into a more prominent and usable part of my room. It is an antique secretary desk and I can’t keep it open where it is now. If I put it where the big armchair is, then I can keep it open and keep my laptop on it fired up and ready to go. Oh! I’m getting excited thinking about it. I get support from my family when I am doing a show - I will ask for support for my writing. I need to be allowed to have that time as sacred the same way I am given time for acting or directing - maybe even more so because for me writing requires a different kind of energy.

I am also going back to doing the personal and creative development workshops. I’m going to be hacking out a business plan today to see what I want to do workshop wise. I feel the excitement flowing through my veins. Here we go! I also think the Creative Mamas website is due for a makeover. Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Here we go!!!

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Lately I have been craving writing time. Of course, writing time isn’t something that shows up at my door, knocks and invites itself in for tea. Phooey! If only it were that easy. I need to go in my room and shut my door and write. Why is that so hard sometimes?

My social life has been getting in the way. Well, maybe that’s not true. I have been letting my social life get in the way. I’ve been visiting and partying and dating and hosting and having all sorts of fun lately. That’s not me. A social life has never been a priority for me. Yep, I’m pretty much a loner. Hence the mind that makes up stories constantly to keep itself entertained.

My daughter was grounded all weekend so that has something to do with it too. She wasn’t outside playing with the kids next door. She was at home asking me to entertain her. We had a blast yesterday. We hula-hooped and jumped rope and ran around the block with the dog and I watched her ride her bike up and down the driveway. It was a fun day. Kind of loses the point of being grounded. But I felt like the penalty was a bit harsh so a little play time on Sunday was called for.

I am also experiencing a strong desire to learn to cook. I mean really learn to cook. Toss things together and let them sizzle. Last night. I made mashed potatoes and sauteed asparagus. We had chicken and salad too. Yummy. I never really cook. I defrost things and then warm them up. It was fun last night. And we all sat down around the table and ate together. Bizarre!!!! That stuff never happens at my house. What is going on!?!

Something is shifting. There is a lifestyle transformation on the horizon. I can feel the pressure building. I wonder what will happen.

Hello again. When I am doing a play, I get completely consumed by the time and energy it takes so I did not post throughout the rehearsal process for The Guys as I thought I would. I set myself up with these wild expectations all the time. I thought it would be great to post a rehearsal log - what we did, how it felt, what the challenges were. Some day I will. It would be something I would like to read if someone else did it so maybe there is some value in it.

The show went well. We did four performances, September 8, 9, 10, and 11. By the time the 11th rolled around, I was pooped. I really thought the best performance was Saturday the 9th. It was fun. It flowed. I felt like I was engaged and in the moment with my partner the whole time we were on stage. I love it when it feels like that. On the 11th, it felt like work. It felt slow and I felt like I was pushing it up hill all night long. I hate that feeling. Of course there were people there from The Laramie Project cast on Monday. I really wish they had come another night. Oh, well. The thing about live theater is, when you walk off the stage, what’s done is done and you have to let it go and move on.

I really missed the show after it was over. It was such an intimate and sweet process. There were only four of us involved in the rehearsal process, 2 actors - director - and assistant director. Then there were only 5 to 6 of us throughout tech and performances. It was such a wonderful group.

The good news is we may get the chance to do it again if the benefit tour ever gets underway. I hear rumors that we are going to do two shows in Kansas City and one in Mexico, Missouri. But, we don’t have definite dates yet. I’ll let myself get excited about it when the dates are on the calendar.

My darling daughter was there for the whole thing. She was a trooper. The performances coincided with her first full week of second grade and the little thing was pooped. It would be a dream come true if I could afford babysitting when I am involved in a show, but that simply isn’t the reality of my life right now. It wasn’t the reality of my mother’s life when I was a kid either so the family tradition continues.

That’s the show update. I’ll post something more interesting some other day. (Oh, yeah, I forgot. Lower those expectations!) Maybe I will post something more interesting some other day.

And on another note:
Kristina,
If you are reading this, thank you for your comment! You made my day!
All the best,
Kirsten

I am acting again. Ten years ago I was on the stage wearing a red wig and a bodice that made me look like the St Pauli girl on acid. Since then – nada, zip, zilch.

I am doing a show called The Guys by Anne Nelson. It is a two person show and as such is very intensive in the learning lines arena. I am enjoying rehearsals. We have to tango! Oh, my goodness!! He has to dip me! My back creaks and his knees pop!

The performance is three weeks away – September 7, 8, and 9. We may do a benefit performance on September 11th. Then, we will be doing a tour throughout Missouri to benefit local firehouses and the Firefighters Memorial in Kingdom City.

More about the rehearsal process soon.

Well, it's been awhile since I was able to post. The Laramie Project has landed and left. It was a great ride. I'm really happy with the way it turned out. I love the cast. They did a fantastic job. The whole last week of rehearsals I kept yelling at them (in a sweet kind of way), "Louder, Faster, Funnier". I know funnier is an odd one for The Laramie Project, but the humor of the characters is what makes it human and real. There was enough drama in the content of the script and I just wanted them to be real and talk and listen to each other. I really really really don't like it when actors try to add to the drama by being "dramatic".

During the production week of the play I was also interviewing for a promotion at work. Talk about double the stress, double the fun. The good news is I got the promotion and I am very excited about the job - started on May 22. It is a lot more responsibility and I had to negotiate this at home before I agreed to take it. I am excited to have a challenge and let's not forget earning a larger pay check.

So something had to give and it was this blog and my Creative Mamas website. But, here I am again. Interestingly enough, while I wasn't "doing" I was brainstorming and I hope to implement some changes soon. Look for the first chapter of my workbook to come out soon. Title: TBD. I have also added some links to the blogs of new friends. I'm glad to be back online. More to come soon.

Oh my! I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

My first leading role in creative dramatics was as The Little Engine That Could. I was 7. The same age as my daughter. I held a little cardboard cut out of a train engine in front of me and skooched across the stage an inch at a time chanting, “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” Today, I need to be reminded of that moment in my life. We are chugging towards opening night of The Laramie Project. It is time for me as a director to get ready to hand the show over to the actors and the stage manager and step aside. I’m looking forward to that part, but I’m not ready. It’s one of those Both/And things. I am both ready to hand the show over and not ready. I could keep diddling along with this production forever tweaking this and that, coaching the actors, working out the kinks with the background projections, but…Thursday will come with or without my cooperation. Opening night is rapidly approaching and there will be real live human beings sitting in the seats watching what we have put on the stage and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it. Here we go!!!

On the other hand. This Sunday things were under control at the theater and I got to spend the day with my daughter outside in Peace Park wandering around the Earth Day exhibits and watching her run and jump on a giant inflatable earth. We have not had a day to ourselves in a long long time. I miss her and I am ready to let go of the show so I can return to her. It is much easier to balance mothering with writing than it is with theater projects. Theater projects have a set schedule and the cast and crew are counting on you to show up. Towards the end of the rehearsal process there is no getting around it - you are at the theater every evening and every weekend. Writing, even collaborative writing, is paced differently. I can write with the energy available to me no matter what kind of energy that is.

Then, there’s the rest of my life - work, relationships, physical health, spiritual health. About the only things I have been able to maintain is a bit of spiritual reading that refreshes my mind and heart. And then there’s work. The job, of course, is easy to maintain because I have to be there. And, if I’m there, then I might as well work. The more I get done the better off I am.

My physical health has been suffering though. I am plagued by allergies that have turned my nose into a water faucet and left me with a relentless cough. Last Friday my body gave up. I had been taking too many different medications trying to get my allergies under control and banish the cough. My stomach rebelled and decided I was to spend the entire day in the bathroom curled up on a towel waiting to vomit. Yuck! That was graphic. Sorry. Basically my body hit the wall and said, “No more!”

A llittle bit of additional stress was added by ending the romantic part of an 8 month relationship and deciding to “just be friends” and applying for a promotion at work. When it rains it pours. I’m just going to hold on and ride this one out to opening night. Our cast party is Saturday night after the show and I’ve scheduled a massage, manicure and pedicure for the afternoon. Maybe my mind and body will forgive me for the crazy schedule and all the stress if I give myself a little bit of pampering.

Sometimes vacation seems like vacation and sometimes vacation seems like work. This past week was a little bit of both. I went to New York and New Jersey. In Jersey my daughter celebrated her 7th birthday with my great aunt who celebrated her 86th birthday. The two of them have celebrated their birthdays together for the last 4 years. And even though it is only a 4 year old tradition, it feels like a very rich tradition to me. I cherish my great aunt and I cherish my daughter and it means a lot to me to see the two of them share something special together and to get to know each other. Emma and I also took a couple of long walks one in the woods and another past a farm where we were stalked by a wild turkey. Turkeys are big big birds and this was a very intimidating turkey. He puffed himself up and paced us as we walked past him first one way then the other. Emma wanted to run the second time we had to pass him and I wouldn’t let her because I was sure that was exactly the excuse that turkey was looking for to attack and have us for lunch. I need to do some serious reconsideration on that Thanksgiving day menu.

In NYC, my daughter visited with her father for 3 days while I visited with my friends. All went well. It was good to spend time with the people who know my story and to catch up on the story of their lives’. The visits were brief, but valuable and dear to my heart.

The traveling bit - back and forth to the airports, on and off the planes-trains-buses, in and out of the cars - that’s the part that feels like work. All went smoothly and was timed perfectly, but it still feels like work to travel. I’m sure it felt even more like work to my cousin who drove us in and out of the city especially since my daughter threw up in the back of her van on the way back to New Jersey. My poor kid! My poor cousin! But, being a fearless woman, she let us back in her van a day later and drove us back into the city to catch our plane home. She has two boys and told me not to worry about it because the van has been thrown up in before and will most likely be thrown up in again. Did I mention that my cousin is fearless? She’s fearless.

So what does all this have to do with creativity and artistic development? Most valuable are the ties to family and friends - spending time with people who knew who I was before I became the me I am now. Spending time with women who are doing their work and contributing to the world we live in by engaging their talents. My great aunt’s attitude on life is always refreshing. She hasn’t and doesn’t have an easy life by any comparison - yet, she loves her days. She loves her memories and her friends and her family and her neighbors and the birds and the sunshine and movies. Man, does she love movies! She has never stopped being curious about life, love, or health. She is always curious to hear other people’s stories about why we are here, what we are meant to be doing, and what role we as humans play in the big game of existence. She never wavers in her goal to enjoy as much as she can every day. She is my inspiration.

Other things - I spent lots of time in bookstores and coffee shops reading and writing and watching. I love people watching and listening to blurbs of conversations going on around me. I was going to be an ambitious tourist and catch a matinee on my way back from visiting the MOMA - but I didn’t do any of that. I read, wrote and reflected. That was the nourishment I needed. I even blew off an entire day in the bookstore. Ahhhh - sheer luxury! So now I am home still cherishing that day in the bookstore spent all alone surrounded by people, browsing section after section after section drinking bitter coffee and touching books, opening books, piling books in my arms and roaming around to find my little space on the floor to read and read and read. A whole day! My day! It was exactly the vacation I have been craving.

The first two weeks of rehearsal for The Laramie Project have been plagued by cast members quitting and cast members with schedule conflicts. We lost one cast member before the rehearsals started - pregnant (we know what causes this now). Another after the first night of rehearsal - wife had surgery (this one I have lots of compassion for). And another after the first week of rehearsal - sick and tired (not much sympathy here). Oh, and my AD moved to Colorado.

So we are heading into week three with 3 new cast members all having various parts of the blocking working hard to catch up. I exhausted myself this week trying to grin and bear it, keep rolling along, making do, and giving it my best. When in fact I wanted to “plotz” - this means cumble into a heap in Yiddish. I’m a “goyah” (more kindly referred to as a WASP) who lived in Brooklyn for 12 years and I learned that sometims Yiddish is the only way to describe what is actually going on with a person. Anyway, enough with the plotzing - moving on with this post.

I have a wonderful cast of 14 people now and a lovely and talented AD. These are the folks who stuck and we will do this play together. We’re a family for the next month and a half. That’s wonderful. And bless them, they are working hard.

But for the past two weeks all of my energy was focused on the people who couldn’t or wouldn’t play with us. I spent so much time focusing on who wasn’t there - who could I ask, find, or pull in off the street to play with us instead. And, in one case, I wasted a lot of time resenting that I hadn’t cast someone else in the role. It just wasn’t an enjoyable week mostly because of my focus on who was missing instead of who was present. I put my head down and kept plowing through, but I couldn’t enjoy it.

I need to remember this - focus on those who are there and let go of those who cannot play. Find people to play with who are happy and enjoyable to play with. Bless those who don’t want to play and send them on their way. Enjoy the playmates you have - does this sound like a song?