An example of the mind chatter:
My daughter who has the flu and who is spending a day at home just asked me to put Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on for the sixth time. I love Dick Van Dyke, but give me a break. I am home - missing a third day of work in 3 weeks. I haven’t worked one full week in all of January. I had the flu, I shared the flu and … it’s a vicious cycle. Thankfully her temperature has come down to 99.2 from 102.1 - what a relief! So I am sitting at the computer thinking about all the projects that I want to be working on and wondering if I have the energy or if I can find enough silence to work on any of them.
Right now I am on the verge:
- Auditions for The Laramie Project are only a week away.
- My collaborator and I are almost done with AS- not quite jello yet, but should be done within the week.
- My WIP, Earthscorcher, is waiting impatiently for me to return.
What does all this mean? It means I am feeling a bit of overwhelm. Overwhelm is a state that can completely paralyze me. So what to do? I know! I’ll create a new blog! Actually “writing it out” always helps me pick a direction in which to run. I am thinking now about ways to add pressure to each project.
Laramie has built in pressure because actors are going to show up to audition next Monday and Tuesday and I need to know who I am looking for. It also has the pressure of a very public deadline. We’re performing April 27, 28, and 29 whether we are ready or not.
AS has built in pressure because I am writing with a collaborator and I HATE it when people are waiting for me and I really HATE it when people are disappointed in me. (Being a people pleaser can be both a blessing and a curse - this subject deserves its own post.)
Earthscorcher has absolutely no built in pressure. It is for me and by me and I’m working solo. It is easy for me to remain accountable to others and not so easy for me to be accountable to myself. Thus the difficulty of balancing my “writerly” dreams with being a mom, I mean a working mom, I mean a working single mom. (It just gets better, doesn’t it?) The only reason for me to return to Earthscorcher is because I enjoy it and want to write it. The characters are waiting somewhat impatiently for me to return. I wonder how much longer I can let the pressure of their voices build in my head before they give up on me completely.
So there you have it. A breakdown of the major projects.
Then there is life. My beautiful daughter, Emma, has the flu. It seems to be cycling every 6 hours or so. Her fever goes down after a dose of the medicine and she is bored, bored, bored being stuck at home with me. Her fever goes back up and she just wants to crawl into my lap and have me rub her back. There is no question about my priority in this situation. Everything else is dropped when it is back rubbing time.
Then there is the pseudo-guilt I feel about missing another day of work. I was sick two days last week. Then, of course and unfortunately, Emma came down with it on Saturday afternoon. The office manager said, “Don’t worry about us. We’ll muddle through.” Yikes! It is the conundrum of having no choice and too many choices at the same time.
Can anyone relate?
