This is a good question for me to ask every once in awhile. Because, frankly, I tend to get lost in running and doing. Since February I have been rehearsing a play called Stepping Out by Richard Harris. It’s a fun play about a bunch of women and one man taking a tap class. I play the dance teacher, Mavis. There are several reasons why I have struggled with this role: 1) I have to tap dance and teach other people to tap dance and I have maybe taken 10 to 12 tap classes in my lifetime; 2) I have to dance a solo. There is a scene where Mavis is alone in the dance studio and she gets carried away by a piece of music and starts dancing. She is a retired professional dancer and while she is dancing she takes a little trip down memory lane. The scene is also supposed to show how good she really is. Something that most of her students don’t think about. It has been over 15 years since I have danced. I used to be good at it. Not wonderful, but better than average. Now…I’m 41 and I have let myself get out of shape. Which brings me to 3) I am about 25 to 30 pounds over my ideal body weight right now. I am somewhat self conscious about it. Well, this character, Mavis, can’t be self conscious about her body so I am wearing costumes that show off my curves and while on stage I have to appear confident and comfortable.
Those are my hang ups. On top of that there were several scenes that had to be altered to match the choreography. As Mavis, I teach the dances to the group and our choreography does not match what is in the script. So - lot’s of last minute script changes and many challenges memorizing the lines. I know this is a lot of complaining, but the upshot is that I haven’t enjoyed this as much as I wanted to enjoy it. I thought it would be a fun old time with lots of gals laughing and dancing. Maybe that was a mind-shift that I simply never allowed myself to have. I mostly just felt pressured by the performance and I went into “save-my-butt” survival mode.
All this being said - the show has turned out well. Audiences are larger than expected for a non-musical show and the audiences are laughing. So congrats to all of us involved for that. However, I have learned that I don’t enjoy acting as much as I used to. I used to live for it! I have been missing daily life. When I am in a community theater show, I work all day from 8:00 - 5:00, grab something to eat on the way to the theater, rehearse until 9:30 or 10:00, then go home and crash. I really don’t enjoy that schedule. I feel like I am missing out on so much like helping my daughter with her homework, watching a movie, a social life - you name it. I can’t do that anymore at this stage in my life. At least not for a role like this. Yes, it’s technically considered the lead, but I haven’t found a lot to sink my teeth into. With The Guys - that was an acting challenge, an interesting character, interesting situation - delving into humanity and all that - I enjoyed that more. I need to take all this into consideration before I audition again. I don’t want to give up my “regular” life (my time with Emma) to act in a show and play a character I don’t absolutely love.
The upshot? I need to take more control over how and when I express my creative self. With writing, I choose the time. With directing, I have more control. I think those are the better avenues for me in my life right now. I enjoyed directing The Laramie Project. First of all the script of The Laramie Project meant much more to me than this script does so the other lesson learned is - Do only what I absolutely love and feel called to do.
That’s the “Where am I” part.
So, where am I going? Back to writing. First on the agenda - clean the house so I can declutter my head and reclaim my writing space. I’m going to move that big armchair out of my room - all I do is pile clothes in it and move my desk into a more prominent and usable part of my room. It is an antique secretary desk and I can’t keep it open where it is now. If I put it where the big armchair is, then I can keep it open and keep my laptop on it fired up and ready to go. Oh! I’m getting excited thinking about it. I get support from my family when I am doing a show - I will ask for support for my writing. I need to be allowed to have that time as sacred the same way I am given time for acting or directing - maybe even more so because for me writing requires a different kind of energy.
I am also going back to doing the personal and creative development workshops. I’m going to be hacking out a business plan today to see what I want to do workshop wise. I feel the excitement flowing through my veins. Here we go! I also think the Creative Mamas website is due for a makeover. Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Here we go!!!
