A Creative Mama’s Story

Well, it's been awhile since I was able to post. The Laramie Project has landed and left. It was a great ride. I'm really happy with the way it turned out. I love the cast. They did a fantastic job. The whole last week of rehearsals I kept yelling at them (in a sweet kind of way), "Louder, Faster, Funnier". I know funnier is an odd one for The Laramie Project, but the humor of the characters is what makes it human and real. There was enough drama in the content of the script and I just wanted them to be real and talk and listen to each other. I really really really don't like it when actors try to add to the drama by being "dramatic".

During the production week of the play I was also interviewing for a promotion at work. Talk about double the stress, double the fun. The good news is I got the promotion and I am very excited about the job - started on May 22. It is a lot more responsibility and I had to negotiate this at home before I agreed to take it. I am excited to have a challenge and let's not forget earning a larger pay check.

So something had to give and it was this blog and my Creative Mamas website. But, here I am again. Interestingly enough, while I wasn't "doing" I was brainstorming and I hope to implement some changes soon. Look for the first chapter of my workbook to come out soon. Title: TBD. I have also added some links to the blogs of new friends. I'm glad to be back online. More to come soon.

Oh my! I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

My first leading role in creative dramatics was as The Little Engine That Could. I was 7. The same age as my daughter. I held a little cardboard cut out of a train engine in front of me and skooched across the stage an inch at a time chanting, “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” Today, I need to be reminded of that moment in my life. We are chugging towards opening night of The Laramie Project. It is time for me as a director to get ready to hand the show over to the actors and the stage manager and step aside. I’m looking forward to that part, but I’m not ready. It’s one of those Both/And things. I am both ready to hand the show over and not ready. I could keep diddling along with this production forever tweaking this and that, coaching the actors, working out the kinks with the background projections, but…Thursday will come with or without my cooperation. Opening night is rapidly approaching and there will be real live human beings sitting in the seats watching what we have put on the stage and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it. Here we go!!!

On the other hand. This Sunday things were under control at the theater and I got to spend the day with my daughter outside in Peace Park wandering around the Earth Day exhibits and watching her run and jump on a giant inflatable earth. We have not had a day to ourselves in a long long time. I miss her and I am ready to let go of the show so I can return to her. It is much easier to balance mothering with writing than it is with theater projects. Theater projects have a set schedule and the cast and crew are counting on you to show up. Towards the end of the rehearsal process there is no getting around it - you are at the theater every evening and every weekend. Writing, even collaborative writing, is paced differently. I can write with the energy available to me no matter what kind of energy that is.

Then, there’s the rest of my life - work, relationships, physical health, spiritual health. About the only things I have been able to maintain is a bit of spiritual reading that refreshes my mind and heart. And then there’s work. The job, of course, is easy to maintain because I have to be there. And, if I’m there, then I might as well work. The more I get done the better off I am.

My physical health has been suffering though. I am plagued by allergies that have turned my nose into a water faucet and left me with a relentless cough. Last Friday my body gave up. I had been taking too many different medications trying to get my allergies under control and banish the cough. My stomach rebelled and decided I was to spend the entire day in the bathroom curled up on a towel waiting to vomit. Yuck! That was graphic. Sorry. Basically my body hit the wall and said, “No more!”

A llittle bit of additional stress was added by ending the romantic part of an 8 month relationship and deciding to “just be friends” and applying for a promotion at work. When it rains it pours. I’m just going to hold on and ride this one out to opening night. Our cast party is Saturday night after the show and I’ve scheduled a massage, manicure and pedicure for the afternoon. Maybe my mind and body will forgive me for the crazy schedule and all the stress if I give myself a little bit of pampering.

An example of the mind chatter: 

My daughter who has the flu and who is spending a day at home just asked me to put Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on for the sixth time.  I love Dick Van Dyke, but give me a break. I am home - missing a third day of work in 3 weeks. I haven’t worked one full week in all of January. I had the flu, I shared the flu and … it’s a vicious cycle. Thankfully her temperature has come down to 99.2 from 102.1 - what a relief! So I am sitting at the computer thinking about all the projects that I want to be working on and wondering if I have the energy or if I can find enough silence to work on any of them.

Right now I am on the verge:

• Auditions for The Laramie Project are only a week away.
• My collaborator and I are almost done with AS- not quite jello yet, but should be done within the week.
• My WIP, Earthscorcher, is waiting impatiently for me to return.

What does all this mean? It means I am feeling a bit of overwhelm. Overwhelm is a state that can completely paralyze me. So what to do? I know! I’ll create a new blog! Actually “writing it out” always helps me pick a direction in which to run. I am thinking now about ways to add pressure to each project.

Laramie has built in pressure because actors are going to show up to audition next Monday and Tuesday and I need to know who I am looking for. It also has the pressure of a very public deadline. We’re performing April 27, 28, and 29 whether we are ready or not.

AS has built in pressure because I am writing with a collaborator and I HATE it when people are waiting for me and I really HATE it when people are disappointed in me. (Being a people pleaser can be both a blessing and a curse - this subject deserves its own post.)

Earthscorcher has absolutely no built in pressure. It is for me and by me and I’m working solo. It is easy for me to remain accountable to others and not so easy for me to be accountable to myself. Thus the difficulty of balancing my “writerly” dreams with being a mom, I mean a working mom, I mean a working single mom. (It just gets better, doesn’t it?) The only reason for me to return to Earthscorcher is because I enjoy it and want to write it. The characters are waiting somewhat impatiently for me to return. I wonder how much longer I can let the pressure of their voices build in my head before they give up on me completely.

So there you have it. A breakdown of the major projects.

Then there is life. My beautiful daughter, Emma, has the flu. It seems to be cycling every 6 hours or so. Her fever goes down after a dose of the medicine and she is bored, bored, bored being stuck at home with me. Her fever goes back up and she just wants to crawl into my lap and have me rub her back. There is no question about my priority in this situation. Everything else is dropped when it is back rubbing time.

Then there is the pseudo-guilt I feel about missing another day of work. I was sick two days last week. Then, of course and unfortunately, Emma came down with it on Saturday afternoon. The office manager said, “Don’t worry about us. We’ll muddle through.” Yikes! It is the conundrum of having no choice and too many choices at the same time.

Can anyone relate?